Chaos vs Peace
Updated: Mar 8, 2019
Peace was a conundrum to me. It depended on the rhythm the day took me through and what substances I had birthed into my bloodstream.
Peace was 3 Vicodin, 2-3 beers, and a joint. But even in the pursuit of trying to balance the perfect buzz, slowly but very surely, I was voluntarily throttling my life into an unbalanced reality of darkness and destruction.
The storm within was whipping with hurricane force winds, a torrential downpour, and the rising flood water. A dark paradox materializes as one makes their bed in the confines of addiction, but once the taste of drugs seeps into your spiritual taste buds the foul aftertaste can be difficult to cleanse from the pallet.
Imagine being locked in a portable prison. The key seems to be so elusive and near impossible to locate yet it’s hidden in the depths of your own hand.
Everyone around you eventually knows better then you do of your imprisonment, but your full-time job has morphed into being your own prisoner, guard, and warden. All the while you're trying to convince the world around you that you are free and they are the imprisoned ones.
Cries for help look more like verbal cheap shots and misunderstanding fuels the fire of accusations and painful relational distance. The brief inebriated reprieves grow into never-ending blurred numbing.
Every so often a ray of hope shines to the core of you, but your willpower has been handed over to the dictator of darkness. The loving attempts of intervention appear as a lion's den of deceit through the foggy lens of your drug-fueled existence.
Even during the entirety of your dark drudgery, the choice is yours. The invisible, yet clearly visible, chains of addiction are weighty. But the key has been in your hand the entire time.
The key is your surrendering. A surrendering and admission of personal responsibility. This verbal agreement for help pumps a new found strength through your being and the needed energy empowers you to open your hand, and at last, the key is recognized.
And in a moment you realize that your victory was waiting for you at the core of your surrendering to a God that has been waiting for you to put your gift of free will to use for hope, love, and freedom. It’s then that peace, that elusive and seemingly distant peace, rolls in like a thick fog that clears the air.
The peace you once thought would come through your attempts at managing your buffet of mind-altering substances, ended up coming in the form of a much richer substance. A substance so pure that any additives would dilute the beauty of it.
The grace smile of a Father that was waiting for you to return to His open arms of love and forgiveness.