Imagine, if you will, standing in front of a mirror with blurred vision and blurred thinking because an entire bottle of whisky is pumping through your bloodstream.
Imagine being 8 yrs into a lifestyle of daily drug and alcohol consumption, and knowing that the drugs and alcohol are not the answer. But instead of stopping you continue to consume the poison thinking and hoping that at some point it would some how start helping the situation.
This was me one summer day about 17 years ago, I stood and tried to make some sense of what my life had become while staring at myself in the mirror in complete disgust. Why I remember this particular day I'm not sure, but it has been burned into my psyche.
I didn't know what life was, and with a bottle of Makers Mark whiskey pumping through my blood stream I was as lost as could be.
The paradoxical insanity was that I was trying to find myself in the drugs and alcohol, only to get more and more lost. I stood staring at myself wondering who I had become, who was I to begin with? Is any of this is worth it?
I was at the end of a rope that I had already been at the end of for many years. In my drunken blur I couldn't help but want to change, I just didn't know how.
So I thought I'd do some drunk dialing, but not the type drunk dialing we hear of most of the time. I picked up my phone with an overwhelming feeling that I needed to say sorry for my life. I needed to talk to someone and tell them that I was sorry, and I wanted to change.
I called my cousin crying and apologizing. I didn't even know what I was apologizing for, I just wanted the feelings of shame and guilt to leave. Those feelings didn't leave after the phone call.
I continued on in my apartment all alone thinking that I could outrun the pain and problems with more drugs and alcohol. It got worse, and it got worse, and it got worse...
It all hit a boiling point and I landed in my first rehab a couple of weeks later.
Again, the internal pain was too much.
I left that treatment center before finishing the program and I was high the same night. Two weeks later I totaled my car in a drunken blackout.
It would be 5 or 6 more years of that insanity before my life changed. I couldn't outrun the shame, the guilt, and the pain. Don't get me wrong, I tried. I didn't know it was going to take a relationship with God to bring the healing and freedom I was desperate for.
My life did change, and when it changed it changed dramatically.
The trap of drugs and alcohol is that there is a brief moment when it brings some relief, but only momentarily. And when that much pain has been accumulated, a little relief is like an oasis in the desert. So naturally more of that relief is sought out, and the trap has worked. At that point, the person struggling with addiction hands their will over to the demonic beast of addiction.
It was 3 weeks before my 27th birthday that I stopped. I stopped trying to mask the pain, and I began asking God to heal the pain. I began to, "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7)
I didn't exactly know how to do it, but I honestly tried.
I didn't know how to walk out a relationship with God, so I asked Him to show me. I didn't know how to get rid of the shame, guilt, and pain, so I asked Him to do it.
I didn't know how to stop all the madness of addiction, so I asked Him to do it.
And while I asked Him, I honestly sought His presence and sought to be around people that knew Him. Out of this humble and desperate plea for help, God began to transform my life.
The shame lifted as relationship with Jesus expanded. The guilt vanished as knowing God became my focus. The pain turned to joy as my new identity rose to the surface.
Over 11 years into my journey and walk with God I can say I've grown so much, and I'm certainly still growing.
No matter where you're at in your struggles, God is a Master at orchestrating redemption and freedom. If He did it for me, He will do it for you.
____________
If you or a loved one are having trouble getting or staying clean and sober, let's talk. We coach people from all over the world into healthy and sustainable recovery. Recovery is worth it, and WE DO RECOVER!
Contact us for Recovery Coaching or Speaking info@recoveringreality.com
